I woke up this morning and fully intended to feel horrible. To be hit with a feeling of “today’s the day” - a kind of overwhelming sadness that has come in waves over the last months. It’s been one year since my mom died. Grief is an unpredictable thing, and I was surprised to wake up feeling the same as I felt yesterday, sad but not depressed. Lonely, but not alone.
I suppose I’m lucky that I had the chance to say goodbye to my mom, but I also had to watch her die. As time has gone by, the months she was sick have slipped further into the recesses of my brain, a coping mechanism I am sure, but there are some things you never forget. I have chosen not to think about the moment we stood by her bed and watched her take her last breathe, but today I can’t seem to stop thinking about that moment in time. Standing with my dad and my aunt, desperately calling down the hallway to my brother “If you want to be here for….this…..you need to come now.” I can remember every second of those few minutes as if they were their own lifetime.
Throughout the last year I have wondered often when things will get back to normal. When I’ll feel entirely like myself again, and life will resume its peaceful if monotonous routines. The last few weeks have brought some major changes in our family dynamic, changes that I have no control over, and I realize that we all have to find our own new normal. My mom was the glue that kept my family together. She was the caretaker, the sister, the wife, the mother and the best friend. These holes in our lives will never be filled, but I am learning how to fill the emptiness with happy memories. Focusing on giving my kids what my mom gave to me - a confidence in myself, in my abilities, and the feeling that I was always safe and loved, no matter what.
Today, in memory of my mom, I ask you to do me a favour….or three. Tell the people you love how you feel about them, forgive - especially when you think something is unforgivable, and live your life every single day.