Life

Ah, blogging, how I’ve missed you!  I didn’t realize just how therapeutic this was for me until I quit doing it.  It’s a great distraction, and the support of all your fabulous people doesn’t hurt, either!

I didn’t mean to be gone for so long, but just about three weeks ago we got the official word that my mom’s treatment isn’t working, so they are switching her to palliative care.  Three months.  I’m figuring it out as I go, but it all seems overwhelming, and confusing, and of course, upsetting. 

My aunt said something the other day that made me really stop and think.  “To feel normal, you have to do normal things.”  How true is that?  I am sad about my mom, but avoiding blogging, social interaction in general, isn’t going to fix things – it only serves to alienate me from a great source of support.

So today, I will do normal things. 

I’ve changed my routine a bit, in an effort to at feel my best in a time when I can use all the strength I can get.  Mornings have become smoothies, because I always feel my best when I start my day that way. 

Fruit doesn’t hold me over all morning on its own, but with the addition of some Greek yogurt, and Prairie Naturals Lean Whey Protein Powder, it keeps me full for hours.

Lunch today was yummy veggies and Greek yogurt and fresh dill dip, and half a bagel with cream cheese.

{Nothing yummier than zucchini – yummy!}

I’m a “stress baker” so my house has been full of baked goods – from cookies, to muffins, to bread – for days.  I bake, and then I give it all away. A step in the right direction!

{Banana Chocolate Chip Loaf, a variation of Cosmic Cookies, and Raisin Bars}

I actually kept one loaf of the fat free/low sugar banana bread, but it’s in the freezer.  I’m digging it out next week when the cookies have all been eaten in work and school lunches. 

The cookies were SO good, and I’ll post my variation of the recipe tomorrow.  This is a must-try!

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Now, so you don’t think I’m avoiding the topic, I have to say that my eating hasn’t been too bad.  I have been able to keep myself in check, despite a lot of meals on the run, dinners out and not much planning.  I haven’t gained anything, but I’m stuck at a disappointing 324. 

The next month I don’t want to make unreasonable goals, because I know it will be a tough month.  I want to make it through the next month in one piece.  As many fruits and vegetables as I can manage, and no bingeing – if I can handle that, I know I’m on the right track.

June is also the month where I tackle one of my biggest fears – driving.  I’m sure most of you can’t imagine why I’d be afraid of driving, but I am. Terrified.  So, this month, I make the first step towards driving, going to get my Learner’s.  Ugh. 

What unreasonable fears do you have?

National Blender Day

I could try and recap the last week for you, but I don’t see that being particularly entertaining, so let’s just pretend I posted yesterday, shall we?

Despite what is probably the most tumultuous time in my life, I’m sticking to the plan.  Down a total of 8 lbs in just about 2 weeks – and I’m not complaining! The one thing you can control in a time where everything else is right outta my control.

Yesterday, incase you didn’t know, is a newly created national holiday.  That’s right – it’s National Blender Day.  Who created the holiday, you ask?  Well, I did.  I have been waiting for Blender Day to arrive for a month or so now, and I have to say, it did not disappoint.

I have complained about my cheap-o blender more than once, and the less than fantastic spinach chunks it leaves in my otherwise delicious smoothies. I’ve blogged about it, I’ve tweeted about it, and I’ve considered fancy-schmancy blenders that I could only dream of owning. 

Until Blender Day.

Apparently someone was actually listening when I complained, and watching when I used one of my 10,000 kitchen gadgets to puree soup, or make raw donut holes. 

Here’s what the mail man brought me yesterday…….

And this isn’t one of those situations that happened when you were a kid, and the box was for a Super Nintendo (yes, I’m old), but inside was a pair of wool socks and a calligraphy set.  IT'S A REAL LIVE BLENDTEC TOTAL BLENDER!

When Matt at Blendtec offered to give me one, I just about squealed.  When it actually arrived, I actually did squeal!

Yesterday was spent looking through the fridge and freezer for things to blend, and here’s what I know so far:

• Banana Soft Serve is so EASY in a Blendtec
• Frozen pineapple makes a delicious sorbet with no added liquid
• I have too many canned goods I’ll never use
• you can blend an iPad in an Blendtec blender

Okay, the last one I didn’t do myself, but I did watch it on YouTube. 

I see many, many…MANY days of happy blending in my future!  If I weren’t already married, I’d be seriously considering marrying Matt from Blendtec, this machine is THAT good!

I’m fully immersed in the cool cookbook it came with, and am finding all kinds of exciting new recipes to try that I couldn’t make before.

What’s one piece of kitchen equipment you own that you couldn’t live without? What would you LOVE to own, but don’t have yet?

 

And so it Begins

Tomorrow being Friday gives me a definite sense of relief.  Not just because it’s the last day of the work week (which, HELLO, that’s a relief too), but because it means I have one week of healthy eating back under my proverbial belt. 

I can’t say “I have it all figured out, or “this time it’s for good” – because whenever I do, it seems like that begins a downward spiral.  It’s a kind of one foot in front of the other thing right now.  Every time I eat it’s an opportunity to make a good or bad choice – to respect my body and feel better, or just plain not care and feel awful.

I’ve always known that I need structure, a solid plan.  I’ve been successful in losing weight before, and it seems somehow I had forgotten what brought me that success.  It’s not about unhealthy foods for me, it’s more about volume.  I am a volume eater, that much I know.  I’m relearning how to eat.

I’ll preface this next comment with – this is only my opinion – but Weight Watchers Flex Points doesn’t work for me.  Eat whatever you like in moderation doesn’t work for me.  I’m an all or nothing kind of girl, that’s just how I work.  I can’t have 10 chips, or 4 jelly beans.  Many people have told me to try the Core Weight Watchers program, which is basically eat healthy, clean foods.  I am doing that all on my own this week. 

I will never be a crazy-clean eater.  There will be cereal, and no doubt a cookie here and there, but the overarching focus is on the quality of the food going into my mouth.

This week has been filled with copious amounts of fruit and vegetables, salads and fish, and of course the oatmeal and yogurt.  I feel good.  I haven’t been as tempted to binge, or eat crap, because none of it has crossed my lips.

But I have struggled with bread. Oh, have I struggled with bread.  Starting tomorrow I’m going one week without bread, just to see how I feel, see if the craving for carbs lessens. 

And so it begins – and ends.  The end of the first week back at eating healthy, and the beginning of another.  And I feel good. Really very good.

The Perfect Day

Sunday was a rather perfect day.  I spent the day with the fam, and really, what’s better than that?  Here’s the day in pictures…’cause sometimes they say things that words just can’t!

 

 

For my Mom

There is nothing quite like the relationship one shares with their mother.  Not everyone has a great relationship with their mom, but I’m one of the lucky ones. 

Our relationship has evolved, as long term relationships always do.  From my full dependence on her, to fledgling independence, closely followed by the teenage years where my mom was always wrong, and around FAR too much for my liking.  And then, as quickly as the resentment had appeared, it disappeared and left me with an appreciation for my mom that I had never had before.

She didn’t have a kind mother, and as such, didn’t have an example to work from.  She wanted her kids to have everything she didn’t get from her alcoholic parents, and sometimes she overcompensated for having to fend for herself as a child.  I could not have asked for a more doting or affectionate mother.  There was never a doubt that my mom was my biggest supporter, constant confidant, and as I got older, my best friend.

Our house was where everyone wanted to be when I was growing up.  All of our friends loved my mom – she treated them all as if they were her own children.  My friends whose parents were less “parental” always found our house a kind of safe place to be, thanks to my mom.

She was super mom.  The kind of parent I can only hope to be to my kids.  As I got older, and started to need the advice and support that she had never had a chance to get from her mother, who died when she was just 18, she figured it out.  We worked out the boundaries she was reluctant to have, but eventually realized were necessary.  I was her baby, and she had thrown her entire life into raising my brother and I, so stepping back wasn’t an easy task. 

At 27 years old, married with a little girl of my own, she is still my mommy.  The greatest joy in her life is Baby T., and she has quite easily stepped into the role of Super Grandma, or “Gaga” as Baby T. calls her.

Everything I know about being a good mom, I learned from her.  I find myself doing with Baby T. the things she did with me that I always wondered why she did.  I’m a mother, and suddenly it all makes sense.

So many people never get the opportunity to know their mothers, or have a relationship that is less than perfect.  I’m so lucky to have had 27 years to know her – and I’m hoping for 27 more.  Our roles have reversed some, as now I am often the one caring for her, but she is still my mom. 

Moms look different to everyone.  Some of us have stepmoms, still others have grandmas, and some of us have Dads or adopted parents.

This Mother’s Day I’m lucky enough to be able to say that I have known the unconditional love of a Mother.  I have also lucky enough to be able to give that unconditional love to my own daughter and stepson, and even though they aren’t here with us, my twin boys. 

The moment I gave birth to my baby boys, I was a mom, and I knew how my mom had felt all of those years.  I understood what it was like to love someone more than life itself, and want nothing more than to watch them grow up and be good, kind people.

Today is bittersweet, as I celebrate with my daughter and stepson, miss my baby boys, and go to visit my sick mommy.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!

Outta the Dark and into the Light

There is something to be said for getting back to normal.  You have all been so incredibly supportive of me the last few days, but let’s get back to regularly scheduled programming, shall we? 

It’s funny, when you aren’t just stuffing your face with everything in sight, GOOD food starts to become more appealing.  The first thing that “slips” in my eating plan is always breakfast!  I go from healthy, filling breakfasts, to half a banana and a hand full of granola on my way out the door. 

For ever and ever I’ve claimed that breakfast just wasn’t my “thing”…umm, hello? MAKE IT your thing, Alison!  Many mornings in the last few months I’ve chowed down some seriously delicious oatmeal, and after actually having a dream about it (I had cooked oatmeal in all of my kitchen drawers,) I figured it might be a sign to give ‘er a try again.

{The full jar of Bob’s Scottish Oatmeal in my cupboard was calling my name, and so it was decided}

{There are some combos you just can’t beat, and chocolate and peanut butter is one of them.  I mean, seriously, it’s like dessert for breakfast!}

As delicious as this combo is, I have to admit, I’m an almond butter girl.  Baby T. (who is admittedly, not such a baby at almost 3 years old) old doesn’t even know what peanut butter tastes like.  So, when Jen contacted me about sending her some of the delicious White Chocolate Tea I had on my blog, and asked what I’d like in return, I didn’t even have to stop and think……..

{BARNEY BUTTER!}

In the interest of full disclosure, I have to say, I was expecting this to be like every other almond butter I’ve tried.  I’m a Marantha Almond Butter girl, myself, but thought I’d give this much hyped Barney Butter I try. 

Oh. My. God.  SERIOUSLY?! Why can I not buy this in Canada??  It doesn’t taste like any other almond butter I’ve eaten.  I think it’s the sea salt, but man, it’s so good!  I usually eat raw almond butter, so this was like an amazing treat.  THANKS, JEN!  If anyone in the U.S. EVER wants some sort of Canadian treat (you know you want some ketchup chips), I’m all about trading for some Barney Butter.  It’s that good.

There is nothing quite as filling as oatmeal for breakfast, so it was later in the afternoon before I was ready for lunch.  Instead of reinventing the wheel today, it was time to dig around in the freezer for something tasty. 

{Veggie chilli it was!}

I heated this up on the stove, added two big handfuls of baby spinach to wilt down, and lunch was served.  So good.

Speaking of delicious things from the freezer…

 {Turkey lasagne with roasted asparagus and a whole wheat bun (one, not four, which is what would have happened last week!)}

I took the time to take pictures of every single step of the lasagne making process last week….except the finished product.  The recipe post will have to wait until next time I have a finished product to snap pictures of, me thinks.

With summer just around the corner it’s time to use up the frozen produce (are you seeing a freeze purging them here tonight?).  The rhubarb and blueberries made the cut tonight.

The base and the top were just oatmeal, whole wheat flour, Splenda, cinnamon and 2 tbsp of melted coconut butter, and the filling was the fruit, cooked over medium heat with 2 tbsp of brown rice syrup (only because the rhubarb is bitter), and 2 tbsp of corn starch to thicken.

{Yummy}

I wasn’t sure about using the coconut butter, but it was a really a nice change, and I’ll be doing that again next time for sure.

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I may have fallen off the face of the earth for a few days, but don’t think for a minute that I’ve forgotten about the Amazing Grass giveaway winners.  There were a lot of you out there who already love Amazing Grass and even more of you who would love the chance to try it.

Two, count ‘em, two winners, and here they are:

Katie said...I couldn't live without yogurt and granola! I love it :)

ManoloMandi said... I can't live without healthyish bars to take with me on the go or to keep in my purse for "emergencies"; especially Kind Bars, followed closely by Clif, Luna, and Lara bars.
Also, smoothies. And chocolate-banana protein shakes post workout.

YAY! Congratulations, girls! Send me your mailing addresses (alifattofit@gmail.com), and the flavour of Amazing Grass Amazing Meal you’d like to try, and I’ll forward your information on to the Amazing Grass people!  I hope you love it :)

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I have still yet to kick this cold, stress probably hasn’t helped, but now that I’ve let it go, I seem to be getting better quickly.  Off to catch some zzzzz’s and with any luck, I’ll dream up another delicious breakfast tonight!

Feel it All

It’s so easy to wallow in feeling bad, or let a few bad decisions, days or weeks change everything.  My mom always says it takes more effort to be negative than it does to be positive, and in the times when being negative is easier, it means you need to FEEL it, DEAL with it, and MOVE ON. 

I have never had to FEEL it – and that’s a large part of my problem.  I eat my feelings.  So, when I start to feel overwhelmed or sad, or even happy – I eat.  After I wrote a few days ago about how I have been feeling lately, and how I have let my healthy lifestyle deteriorate, and quickly, I decided I was going to feel it.  Food and exercise weren’t the priority the last 3 or 4 days, I haven’t weighed myself, and I haven’t felt guilty about anything.

I ate when I was hungry, and made choices that were decent, but not great.  I ate what I should be eating, but admit I ate too much of it.  I looked in the mirror and felt sorry for myself.  Sorry that I have done this to my body.  I felt it.

I did my job, to the best of my ability, and I let it go. If my new supervisor wants to live, eat and breathe her job, that’s okay – but that’s not me.  I let myself get mad.  Mr. T. listened to me complain.  I felt it.

I went to visit my mom.  She was almost a shell of the person she was just a few months ago.  I rubbed her feet, and put cream on her dry, bald head, I moisturized her now thin, hairless arms – and held her slowly clubbing fingers in my hand.  And I cried.  I felt it. OH, I FELT IT. 

I have denied that so much of my problem the last few weeks has been watching my mom waste away.  I really believed that I had a positive attitude about it.  She is doing alright, she’s getting stronger, but I have to admit something.  I have been avoiding her. 

I used to talk to her every day, sometimes 5 or 6 times a day.  She was my best friend, my mom, and my #1 source of support.  Don’t get me wrong, Mr. T. is incredibly supportive, but she’s that source of strength that has been there my whole life.  I took that for granted, and then when things got bad, when I’d phone and she couldn’t talk, or she’d forget what I told her the day before, or she wouldn’t be up for company. I didn’t want to feel that pain and sadness. So, I avoided her.

There is a tremendous sense of guilt I have been carrying around about this.  Since I wrote my last post, I let it all go.  I have been to see my mom every day.  I feel stronger, and happier, and so, so sad, all at the same time. 

I know that some of you reading this will tell me that my eating habits don’t matter all that much, in light of what’s going on.  Or not to beat myself up about it.  The reason I’m writing this post is because I need to.  Because food is not just food to me. I don’t always eat too much of something because I’m extra hungry, or it tastes particularly good.  I couldn’t understand where my motivation had suddenly gone.  How bad habits were back and seemed like a kind of demon that I couldn’t escape. 

I’m not good with limits, either.  I take on too much, give too much, watch too much TV, read too many blogs, volunteer for too many activities, and then feel myself being lost in it all. 

It’s a breakthrough, of sorts, for me.  A realization that I can’t hide from my feelings with food anymore.  I won’t.

Tomorrow, I tackle the food and the exercise.  It’s time to start living the life I want to live.  I gained that weight back quickly, and it’s going to be gone just as quickly. 

I’m going to feel it.  All of it.