I’ve written a lot about how I see myself, how I am striving to change. It’s not easy to be comfortable in your own skin, and I’d be lying if I said I was. There’s a mental roadblock going on with me right now, and I’m quite sure what it is. I sincerely want to change, but I suppose I’m having a “I don’t know how to do this” moment (or few weeks).
The funny thing is, I DO know how to do this. It’s not rocket science, it really isn’t, but I can’t seem to get it right now. It’s like it’s just beyond my reach, but I can see it. I don’t want to formulate a new plan or create a new scheme, I want to just DO IT.
Unlike so many people I know, I have always felt like I was a good person, worthy of love and great things in life. I’ve always felt safely ensconced in a family that is supportive, loving and kind. My family has always been my safety net…..my MOM has always been my safety net. I’ve been married for more than four years, and Mr.T. is supportive, and loving and kind…but he’s not my mom. Like apples and oranges.
I’m feeling kind of out of control right now, and I feel like I need to reset my life. I’m struggling to figure out my life without my mom, and some days I feel like it’s all figured out, and other days I have no earthly idea.
It’s easier for me to post recipes for salad, and granola bars, and wax poetic about the leaves changing and how much I love the fall than it is for me to admit that I’m feeling mighty lost right now. I’ve avoided doing the easy posts just to put a post up, and I’ve avoided writing a real post, because it’s like rubbing salt in the wound – but here it is.
Where do I go from here? I’m not really sure. I know I want to be healthy, and I know I want to change my life….what I don’t know is how exactly I’m going to do this.
Time will help, I do know that, but I also know that some of this is about me making a decision and following through with it. Do the action and motivation will follow……right?
Right.
Oh, dear. I have been where you are...my mother's torturous last years, and the last 8 months were horrific for her physically, were the hardest ofmy life. But she and I had time to be together and I'm grateful for that. I plunged into a depression that took more than 3 years to climb out of. It was THAT hard for me, emotionally and physically. I gained 30+ pounds just in her last 8 months, stuffing to quiet the pain some.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find peace, comfort, and a vision for your life that honors her in fresh ways. She wants your best now as always. Begin today to do kind things to and for yoruself for HER SAKE. You are HER precious treasure, so do what it takes to live a long and beautiful life for YOUR children...they deserve to have you around for many, many decades.
God bless,
Mir
Hey there girl... While I can't exactly share your feelings, as I lost my mom when I was only 11.
ReplyDeleteI cannot imagine for the life of me what it must have been like for you.
I know that this isn't going to make you feel any better, but there isn't a single day that goes by that I don't think of my Mom.
But after a while, it becomes happy thoughts.... and not so sad anymore.
What keeps me smiling is the fact that I know she's proud of the woman I have become, and I know for a fact your Mom feels the same way.
xo
Right! :)
ReplyDeleteA week ago, I was where you're at today. I desperately wanted to eat healthy and exercise and do all the things that I know will help me to lose weight, and yet I'd come home from work and either eat poorly, or binge. Why? I have no idea.
It took my husband randomly calling me at work the other day to tell me he was proud of me, and that i've lost weight once, so I can do it again, to actually help me to stay in my calories, and even to exercise. Just knowing what he told me somehow gave me a boost.
I hope you're able to figure out what you need to do to get back on track. I know how frustrating that can be. :)
Massive squishing hugs.
ReplyDeleteMaybe this is the time to reset. Stop, breathe and do what you need to do to find you again.
Hi Ali, my name is Becky and I am just starting my weight loss journey. I have a lot of weight to lose - at least 100 pounds and I'm looking for WW blogs to visit, find information, inspiration and hopefully accountability -at least friendship! I'll be subscribing to your feed and talking to you again. My WW blog is currently set to private but I don't mind inviting people who are interested. I want to know who is reading it - maybe I should get over that! :) Sorry to have written so much in your comments!
ReplyDeletethis post breaks my heart. i wish i had magic words to offer you but i don't. have you considered perhaps speaking to someone who can help you through this? maybe a grief counselor or a support group? i know you'll get through this, eventually...
ReplyDeleteI hope you've given yourself permission to feel lost and grieve for your mother.
ReplyDeleteThe grief process happens to all of us and it takes time. My heart goes out to you because it's early days and it's so hard to admit to the rawness and depth of the pain of loss. I've experienced pain so deep that I could only look at tiny corners of it until gradually it became possible to face head on.
It's an individual process. No one experiences the exact same thing.
The best thing you can do is make 'elegant choices.'Find ways to face each day and write, since you are a writer. The world around us, the changing leaves, autumn colours and clouds racing across the sky can all help us to get through and begin to face life again.
When you have a loss, especially the loss of someone special, (and who is more special than one's mother?) you need to fill your heart with gentle reminders of what life and love is all about. I guess I'm trying to say, "Feed your Spirit with things that are good." Those things must be things you find good,not what others tell you are good.
You wrote, "It’s easier for me to post recipes for salad, and granola bars, and wax poetic about the leaves changing and how much I love the fall."
Start with what you can do and the other things will gradually fall into their proper place.
You're doing well even though it may not always feel that way right now.
Blessings
((( hugs ))) I'm so sorry for what you're going through but voicing your grief is a good thing. So many keep it all inside. I am going through alzheimer's with my mom right now - it's called "the long goodbye" and while at least I'm getting to say "goodbye" it's very painful to watch. I didn't know that what I was feeling was grief also. Not the same as yours, but grief - and it can really mix you up.
ReplyDeleteSo take your time - baby steps and wade your way through it. It WILL take time - not to "get over it" (as some say) but to "get used to it". I lost my dad very suddenly and that's what I learned.
(((( more hugs ))))
D
Just found your blog today. Thought I would chime in...you asked where you have to go from here. UP...uh well i mean DOWN!!! Just keep starting over until eventually you have started for your last time because you found what works for you!
ReplyDelete<3 Katie
www.katie-fttw.blogspot.com
I popped onto your site randomly from looking at someone else's and feel compelled to send you love. Nurture yourself right now by loving your body, mind and soul. It's okay to fall apart a little. Just know you're not alone. Even random strangers are rooting for you. :)
ReplyDeleteHi Ali,
ReplyDeleteI'm a new blogger and I just found your blog today and upon browsing in your posts, came across this one. I'm sorry to hear about your mom...knock on wood, I have not yet had to deal with that..thankfully my family is healthy and doing well. I'm blessed with still having both sets of grandparents (grandpa will be 100 next october..wow). And I can't help but comment on your lack of motivation...I hope that you were able to find what will continue to drive you forward. Just today I blogged about my lack of motivation and what I did to make a positive change. Take a look..perhaps I can provide you with some inspiration.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.