Before and After

I already know that my life will be divided into before my mom died and after my mom died.  The last few months of her life were sad and hard, and when she finally passed away last Tuesday it was a relief of sorts.  No one had to worry anymore.  Was she in pain? Did she understand what was going on? How was my dad?  Will today be the day? 

I know my mom was proud of me, and in the few brief minutes before she passed away, and what seemed like a lifetime after, I stood beside her replaying every single moment I had spent with her.  She was the strongest, most compassionate person I’ve ever known.

A few weeks ago I had a chance to talk to her about the things I didn’t want to leave unsaid.  I share my concern about dying and leaving Baby T. behind.  My mom’s mother died when she was in her mid 40s and my mom died at 54….what if?

My mom never said a single word about my weight. Not once in 27 years.  Sometimes I resented the fact that she didn’t step in when I was younger, and other times I was grateful for her support.  When I told her my fear of leaving Baby T. motherless she told me it’s a silly thing to worry about, but she had felt the same way when she was a young mother.  Then she told me that I should be sure to live the healthiest life I could live, something she hadn’t done.

It’s hard to explain, but it’s something I had waited a really long time to hear.  An acknowledgment that I wasn’t healthy, and I needed to make a change – coming from someone who had always said “things are fine just the way they are.”

We talked about a lot of things that night, and I told her I had so many other things I wanted to ask her, and she told me to write them down, we still had a lot of time. 

I never had a chance to ask her anything else.  Things went downhill quickly, and that was it.

Some days are good, and some days are bad.  Some moments are normal and other times I’ll start sobbing for no reason at all.  I keep thinking of things to tell her, and remember she’s gone. 

I picked up the phone this morning to call her because I was bored and wanted to chat.  In that moment it really hit me.  My mom’s gone.  I need to make my life what I want it to be.  I don’t want to be 54, and regret not having lived the life I deserve. 

This is the first step back to normal for me.  The after will be even better than the before.