The Future

My life is full of so many good things.  I have so much more than a lot of people are able to have in their entire life: an amazing family, a great life, and am an all around lucky girl.  I owe so much of who I am today to my Mom. 

There was no intention to take such a long hiatus from blogging, but I have felt like I didn’t have anything to say.  Or too much to say – I’m not sure which it was.  So many of you have emailed and messaged and left comments asking about my Mom.  She rebounded after my post a few weeks ago, but likely doesn’t have much longer. 

Cancer is an ugly thing. It robs you of who you are. It takes this life you’ve lived, and this body you’ve created, and ravages them.  I continue to live my life with my own little family as best I can, but am reminded constantly about the reality of my Mom.

I’ve made false starts, real starts, coming to crashing stops, and fallen off the wagon head first – more than once.  Last week I had this sick feeling that I think so many people who lose a mother have….what if something happened to me and Baby T. didn’t have me? 

So many of the reasons I’ve wanted to lose weight were cosmetic, despite my flimsy attempts to suggest otherwise.  But this realization hit me like a tonne of bricks. 

I’ve been reading voraciously as of late, a kind of escapism for me.  “Eat to Live” by Dr. Joel Fuhrman was suggested to me by someone who sent me an email asking about my Mom. 

The book makes sense, and the studies are undeniable.  What you eat affects your health (duh, right?)  Not just your weight, not just your heart, but diseases and the like.  None of this is news to me, but sometimes I need to see things laid out for me in a need little package.

I am sad that my Mom is so sick, but have a sense of hopefulness for the future.  It’s such a dichotomy of feelings.  I’m not sure how to even explain it. 

I’ve been Eating to Live for two days, even when I’d rather be Eating to Comfort.

I’ve been for a walk for the last three days, and felt better afterwards.  Your body knows what you need, even when your brain sometimes tricks you into thinking otherwise.  Right now my brain is overloaded, so I’m listening to my body.  Or at least trying to learn how.

Somehow the Summer and the sunshine make everything a little bit better.